Reward System: A Guide to Encouraging Positive Behaviours in Children

As parents, it’s natural to want your child to succeed in all areas of life. However, this well-meaning desire can sometimes lead to overwhelming expectations—both for you and your child. To create a harmonious and positive environment, it’s essential to focus on what truly matters. One of the most effective ways to encourage growth and development is through a well-structured reward system.

In this post, we’ll explore how to identify key behaviours to address, set realistic goals, and implement a reward system that promotes positive changes while nurturing your relationship with your child.

Identifying What Really Matters

The first step in creating a reward system is identifying the behaviours that need attention. This process helps you focus your energy on the areas that will have the greatest impact.

A Helpful Exercise:

1. Make a List: Write down all the behaviours you don’t want to see in your child.

2. Rate the Behaviours: Assign a score to each behaviour on a scale of 0 to 10 based on its urgency and importance.

3. Prioritize: Choose one behavior to address first. Begin with those that occur most frequently and significantly impact your relationship or your child’s ability to function effectively. Among similar challenges, prioritize the one that feels more achievable. This will help build motivation and foster a sense of progress.

Reframing the Goal

Once you’ve identified the behaviour to address, reframe it by translating the unwanted behaviour into the positive behaviour you want to see instead. Then, break the desired behaviour into smaller, manageable steps to make it easier for your child to succeed.

Example:

• Unwanted Behavior: My child hits their sibling.

• Desired Behavior: My child uses words to express frustration.

• Steps to Encourage the Desired Behavior:

  • Teach your child specific phrases to express frustration, such as, “I feel upset because….”

  • Model the expected behaviour during real-life conflicts.

  • Use role-playing games to practice these skills in a safe and engaging way.

  • Reinforce positive behaviour with praise or rewards when your child successfully expresses themselves without hitting.

Breaking down the goal into smaller steps ensures that your child feels supported and equipped to succeed.

The Power of Positive Reinforcement

A positive reinforcement system focuses on encouraging desirable behaviours by acknowledging and rewarding effort and progress. This approach shifts attention from what your child is doing wrong to what they are doing right. It not only motivates them but also builds confidence and strengthens your bond.

Building an Effective Reward System

1. Set Clear Expectations

To create a successful system, turn the desired behaviour into a SMART goal—Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, and Time-based. This ensures that the goal is clear, realistic, and tailored to your child’s unique needs and abilities.

Example 1:

• Unwanted Behavior: My child can’t sit and finish homework for even 10 minutes.

• Desired Behavior: My child sits and works on homework for one hour every day.

• SMART Goal Analysis:

  • Specific? Yes.

  • Measurable? Yes.

  • Achievable? No. If your child struggles to focus for 10 minutes, setting a one-hour goal is unrealistic and may lead to frustration. Instead, a 15-minute goal is more manageable.

  • Relevant? Yes, if homework is a significant challenge.

  • Time-based? Yes, if the goal includes a daily timeframe.

Example 2:

• Unwanted Behavior: My child hits their sibling daily.

• Desired Behavior: They verbalize their anger.

• SMART Goal: My child refrains from hitting and verbalizes their feelings for one day. This goal is specific, achievable, and a step toward long-term improvement.

2. Create a Token or Point System

A reward system works best when it includes tangible incentives. Assign a clear value to tokens or stickers, which can be redeemed for privileges or rewards. This helps your child understand the direct connection between their behaviour and the benefits they receive.

Steps:

1. Write the SMART goal at the top of the chart or board.

2. Install the chart in a visible location, such as the fridge, where you and your child can track progress together.

3. Assign a value to each token or sticker, explaining how they can be redeemed.

Example System:

• SMART Goal: My child works on homework for 15 minutes without interruption.

• Reward: One token or sticker for every successful 15-minute session. Two tokens or stickers if they complete an additional 15 minutes.

3. Age-Appropriate Incentives

Design rewards that align with your child’s age, interests, and your family’s values and budget.

• For Younger Children: Create a “reward bag” with small toys, books, or puzzles. Instead of giving rewards outright, let them trade tokens for items from the bag. For example, 10 tokens = one item.

• For Older Children: Tokens can be exchanged for privileges like screen time, video game time, or skipping a chore. Larger rewards can be tied to accumulated tokens, such as a family outing or a larger gift.

Examples of Token & Sticker Values:

• 1 token = 5 minutes of screen time or video game time on weekends or

• 10 tokens = skipping a chore, choosing a family activity, or a small toy or

• 20 tokens = a larger reward, like a special outing or a day off from chores.

4. Use Verbal Praise

While tangible rewards are motivating, don’t underestimate the power of verbal acknowledgment. Celebrate effort and progress, even if the goal hasn’t been fully achieved yet.

For example, if your child previously hit their sibling three times a day but now only once—and they attempted to express their frustration—acknowledge their improvement. Say something like, “You did a great job trying to express your feelings today. I know you’ll do even better tomorrow.”

5. Preparing for Success

To ensure your child’s success, create an environment that meets their needs and minimizes distractions:

• Address physiological needs (e.g., make sure they’re not tired, hungry, or overstimulated).

• Provide tools like calming techniques or sensory aids.

• Establish a consistent routine.

Be Flexible and Persistent

No reward system is perfect, and setbacks are inevitable. If progress stalls, pause and review what’s working and what isn’t. Adjust the system as needed, and involve your child in the process. This teaches valuable problem-solving skills and fosters teamwork.

For example, if a reward system isn’t motivating your child, brainstorm new rewards together. This collaboration helps them feel invested in the process and more likely to succeed.

Important Reminder:

Rewards and consequences should never threaten a child’s essential needs. For instance, withholding dinner, new clothes, or other necessities as a consequence is both unhealthy and unsustainable. Similarly, rewards should not include regular family time or other natural elements of your relationship. These are unconditional aspects of parenting and should remain consistent regardless of behaviour.

Conclusion

A well-structured reward system is a powerful tool for encouraging positive behaviours in children. By focusing on clear, achievable goals and using tools like token systems and verbal praise, you create an environment where your child feels supported and motivated to improve.

Remember, progress takes time and patience. Celebrate every small victory, adapt as needed, and enjoy the journey of growth and connection with your child. Together, you can turn challenges into opportunities for learning, development, and a stronger parent-child bond.