The Power of Assertive Communication: Finding Balance Between Speaking and Listening

Effective communication is the cornerstone of healthy relationships, personal growth, and professional success. Yet, navigating the communication spectrum can be challenging when we fall into passive, aggressive, or even passive-aggressive patterns. Assertive communication offers a balanced approach, emphasizing respect for both oneself and others. It’s not just about expressing your thoughts but also about listening effectively. Let’s explore how assertive communication, and the DEAR MAN technique, can transform the way we connect with others.

Understanding Communication Styles

Passive Communication: The Silent Resentment

Passive communicators often avoid expressing their needs or feelings out of fear of conflict. They prioritize others' needs over their own, which can lead to frustration and resentment over time.

Example: A passive communicator might say, “It’s okay, I don’t mind,” when they actually feel hurt or disappointed.

Patterns: Passive communication often manifests as people-pleasing behaviours, avoiding confrontation, or suppressing one’s own needs and emotions.

Aggressive Communication: The Overpowering Voice

Aggressive communication is characterized by dominance, blame, and often hostility. This style focuses on getting one’s way without regard for others’ feelings, damaging relationships and trust.

Example: An aggressive communicator might say, “You’re wrong, and you need to fix this now!” with little regard for the other person’s perspective.

Patterns: Aggressive communication can include behaviours such as blaming, gaslighting, or using the silent treatment to exert control.

Passive-Aggressive Communication: The Subtle Saboteur

Passive-aggressive communication blends elements of both passive and aggressive styles. Instead of addressing issues directly, individuals may express their dissatisfaction indirectly, often through sarcasm, subtle insults, or playing the victim.

Examples:

• Making indirect jokes: “Oh, I guess you’re too busy for the rest of us.”

• Playing the role of the victim: “Well, it’s always me who has to compromise.”

• Using sarcasm or backhanded compliments: “Wow, you actually did something right for once.”

Assertive Communication: The Balanced Approach

Assertive communicators express their feelings, needs, and boundaries clearly and respectfully. They value their voice while honouring others' perspectives.

Example: An assertive communicator might say, “I feel upset about what happened earlier. Can we talk about it to find a solution?”

Listening: A Vital Component of Assertive Communication

Assertive communication isn’t just about how we speak; it’s also about how we listen. Listening is often underestimated, but it plays a critical role in fostering understanding and mutual respect.

Passive Listening

Passive listeners may seem disengaged or overly accommodating, failing to advocate for their needs or opinions. They might nod along or agree without truly processing the information.

*Impact*: This can leave the speaker feeling unheard or unimportant, or may make the listener feel controlled and powerless.

Aggressive Listening

Aggressive listeners often interrupt, dismiss, or challenge the speaker, making the conversation feel more like a battle than a dialogue.

Impact: This creates a defensive or hostile atmosphere, discouraging open communication.

Assertive Listening

Assertive listeners actively engage in the conversation, showing empathy and understanding while holding space for their own perspectives. They practice active listening by paraphrasing, validating, and responding thoughtfully.

Impact: This builds trust and encourages collaboration.

The Power of Silence: Ally, Not Enemy

Silence is an often overlooked yet powerful tool in communication. In a world filled with constant noise and instant responses, being comfortable with silence can significantly improve the quality of conversations.

Why Silence Matters

• Processing Time: Silence allows both you and the other person to process thoughts and emotions. This leads to more thoughtful responses rather than reactive ones.

• Prevents Escalation: Rushing to fill the silence often triggers premature reactions, which can escalate the conversation unnecessarily. This is an “amygdala trap” where emotions override rational thinking.

• Builds Comfort: Being comfortable with silence can convey confidence and patience, helping the conversation feel more intentional and less pressured.

Misunderstanding Silence

Despite its power, silence can sometimes be misunderstood. The other person might assume:

• You don’t care.

• You’re not listening.

• You’ve given up.

• You’re weak or unsure.

• You’re not a good conversational partner.

Addressing this misunderstanding involves explaining the intention behind your silence. For example, you can say, “I’m taking a moment to think because I want to respond thoughtfully.” This reframes silence as a strength rather than a weakness.

How to Practice Silence in Communication

• Pause Before Responding: Count to three in your mind before speaking to give yourself a moment to think.

• Resist the Urge to Fill Gaps: Allow silence to exist without rushing to add words. Use this time to reflect on what has been said.

• Observe Nonverbal Cues: Silence often invites nonverbal communication like eye contact, body language, or a nod, which can deepen the connection.

By embracing silence as an ally, we create space for understanding, empathy, and resolution. Silence is not a void; it’s an essential part of meaningful communication.

Introducing the DEAR MAN Technique

Assertive communication can feel daunting, especially when emotions run high or stakes are significant. The DEAR MAN technique, derived from Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT), provides a structured approach to navigating challenging conversations assertively.

Breaking Down DEAR MAN

• D – Describe: Start by clearly stating the facts. Avoid assumptions or exaggerations.

• E – Express: Share how the situation makes you feel without blaming. Use "I" statements.

• A – Assert: Clearly communicate your needs or boundaries.

• R – Reinforce: Highlight the benefits of resolving the issue collaboratively.

• M – Mindful: Stay focused on the conversation, avoiding distractions or emotional escalation.

• A – Appear Confident: Maintain an open posture, steady tone, and consistent eye contact.

• N – Negotiate: Be willing to collaborate and find a middle ground.

Examples of DEAR MAN

Partner Conversation

• Describe: “Last night, when you came home late without texting me…”

• Express: “I felt worried and a little upset because I wasn’t sure if you were okay.”

• Assert: “I need you to let me know if you’re going to be late in the future.”

• Reinforce: “That way, I won’t be so worried, and we can avoid unnecessary stress.”

• Mindful: Stay calm if they get defensive and bring the focus back to your feelings and requests.

• Appear Confident: Use a steady tone and maintain eye contact.

• Negotiate: “If texting isn’t always possible, could we agree to check in at the earliest opportunity?”

Parent-Child Conversation

• Describe: “When you left your toys all over the floor…”

• Express: “I felt frustrated because I had to clean up after you when I was already tired.”

• Assert: “I need you to pick up your toys when you’re done playing.”

• Reinforce: “If you clean up, we’ll have more time for stories before bed.”

• Mindful: Stay calm even if the child gets upset and repeat your request as needed.

• Appear Confident: Keep a warm yet firm tone to show you mean what you say.

• Negotiate: “If it feels like too much, we can work together for five minutes, and then you can finish.”

Workplace Conversation

• Describe: “During the last team meeting, my suggestions were cut off a couple of times…”

• Express: “I felt unheard and undervalued.”

• Assert: “I need an opportunity to share my ideas fully during discussions.”

• Reinforce: “If we can all contribute openly, I think the team’s outcomes will improve.”

• Mindful: Stay focused on the issue and avoid sounding accusatory.

• Appear Confident: Use professional body language and tone.

• Negotiate: “If it’s easier, we could agree to let everyone finish their points before responding.”

Conclusion: Communication as a Connection

Assertive communication is more than a skill; it’s a mindset that values balance, empathy, and respect. By shifting away from passive, aggressive, or passive-aggressive tendencies and embracing both assertive speaking and listening, we can deepen our connections and resolve conflicts with integrity.

The DEAR MAN technique serves as a practical guide, reminding us that communication is not about winning or conceding but about creating a space where all voices feel heard and valued. Whether you’re navigating a tough conversation at home, work, or with loved ones, assertive communication is the key to building stronger, healthier relationships. Silence, too, is an essential part of this journey—an ally that fosters clarity, patience, and understanding.